Saturday, January 26, 2008

Is My Thesis Driving Me Crazy? Part Two

9. There are whole sentences and phrases in this draft I am editing that make absolutely no sense. An example:
"However, where Walter is concerned, an approach to dance is the key difference." I have no idea what that means, and I wrote it! Cripey!

EDIT: another sentence that I stared at for a long time, knowing it was a typo (see- stupid spell check can't ever help when you want it to): "the community is in chaps"



Oooohhh, the community is in chaos!!

10. Panic ensued earlier today, and I mean real, almost crying kind of panic. Why? Well I couldn't find the rescue remedy. I have never used that stuff before, so have no idea if it actually works or not, but all of a sudden it seemed VITAL. Having never used it, of course, it has put "in a funny place". Aah irony.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Is My Thesis Driving Me Crazy?

I am not sure, so am asking for viewer feedback, but here are some signs that I think are a bit worrying:

1. Earlier this week I went outside and freaked out when a bus drove past me, because I had forgotten what they were.

2. For two days in a row, I have been very excited getting dressed, because my underpants were fantastically colour-coordinated with my t-shirt.

3. In my list of post drafts, there are titles for posts like "Thesis is driving me crazy. Bored" but there is no content other than the title.

4. Yesterday I bought a dress instead of fruit and veg.

5. Had lunch with Brother and Sister yesterday, and ordered a sushi box. The entire time, I was thinking of that Robbie William's song "Rude Box'.

6. After having looked up 'shortening' and 'trans fat' on Wikipedia and discovering that shortening is trans fat and they are both BAD, have spent many hours pondering whether shortening as a substitute for gluten makes the biscuits I bought ok for my body or not.

7. I found this poll posed an interesting question, and considered filling it out:
What is your favourite Alfism from Home and Away?
Stone the flamin' crows
Flamin' mongrels
You flamin' galah
Keep your flamin' hair on
Strike me roan.

8. The reason I found the poll in the first place was because I thought the idea of Selma Blair playing Kim on an American Kath & Kim was worth reading about.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Some Like It Yacht: Pilot Episode

Cast of Characters:

The Professor: Undertaking an ethnographic study of the yacht community
Milligan: The happy-go-lucky beanpole who always wears a bucket hat and flares
Gary-Ann: The pre-op
Firecracker Boy: The finely chiseled, meticulously groomed Himbo. Looks a bit like Astro Boy
Katie-Bot: Got confused when she saw the sign "Cruise Ship" and thought that meant it was hers.
Jessica Simpsoid: In search of chicken (or is it fish?)

Opening Credits: Footage of Marilyn et al drinking champagne on the yacht in 'Some Like it Hot', with cuts to close-ups of the actual cast.

Scene: The yacht dining room. White leather upholstery, crystal glassware etc.

Jessica Simpsoid: is this chicken or fish that I'm eating? I mean, I know that it's chicken, but is it chicken-chicken or is it tuna?
Gary-Ann: it's fish. Actually, it's catfish. Roawwwl!
JS I'm eating a CAT???!!
GA: Yes, honey. You sure are!
JS: Oh my god, it's delicious. I had no idea!
Milligan: Jessica, have you ever eaten horse?
JS: No, why?
M: Oh, just because you look like one. I thought it would be kind of funny.

TP (to camera): The fascinating thing about this little exchange is that - even though Gary-Ann is wearing a dress - we can see the struggle for each male of the society to find their rightful place. As with apes fighting to discover who is strongest, these males are fighting a war of words, to see who can make the most fun of Jessica.

Problems with the pilot: does the Prof make it all too boring and (shudder) educational?
Possible Solution: Make sure Prof is always drunk

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Problematic Task of Becoming a Lady

I have a huge ethical problem with the concept of Ladette to Lady, but that doesn't stop me watching it and pissing myself laughing. The problem is the assumption that working class = wrong, upper class = right. I don't really understand why anyone would send their daughter away to be trained in the rules of behaviour of a different social class, because all that will happen is one of two things. Either they will forget it all (so it was therefore a total waste of time) or they will remember it and forevermore be completely out of place among family and former friends(so it was therefore a total waste of time). Nevertheless, I am glad that there are people stupid enough to think it is a good idea. Here is a little sample of the narrator's magic:

"Holly faces the problematic task of staying sober"

"The first course is escargots, but Simone has a history with molluscs."
-footage of Simone choking up oysters -
"This time she avoids returning her snails to the table. Simone's come a long way"

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dr Luxury

Possible Titles For A PhD Dissertation In Luxury Goods:

1. Hags, Fags and Bags: Gender Identity, Transgression and Ownership In The Consumption and Display of Luxury Goods

2. Change The Chanel: MultiMedia Depictions of Designer Wear and Luxury Goods

3. Birkin Stock: The Battle Between Comfort, Affordability, Statement and Style

4. Pearls of Wisdom: A History of the Use of Jewellery as Metaphor in Victorian Literature

5. Pearls Before Swine: The Economic Impact of The Trading and Taxing of Luxury Goods on Developing Countries and Agrarian Communities

6. Some Like it Yacht: An Ethnographic Study of Micro-Naval Communities* and Ocean -Liner Inhabitants

7. Ring-A-Ring-A-Rosie: The Environmental Impact of Goldsmiths and Silversmiths in Rural France, 1844-1906

8. You Stink! The Battle For Control in The "Perfume Wars", Chanel vs Calvin Klein

9. Scents and Sensibility: The Battle For Control in The "Perfume Wars", Chanel vs Calvin Klein

*My phrase which means "people who live on yachts"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Things That Are Interesting When You Are Trying To Study

-Watching cricket
-Washing dishes
-Getting the mail
-Chewing gum
-Staring at your own feet
-Checking the word count on your draft
-Suggesting PhD topics to your friends so they will join you in misery (e.g. "Photoshop Phun" and "Whose Tatts?")
-Pulling the wings off flies so they can't fly away and leave you lonely

Typos I Have Made This Week (Watch Closely)


... is someone trying to tell me something?

Personally, I am blaming Trinny and Susannah.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

How I know That Bootmen and Billy Elliot are the Same Movie, or Why My Thesis Is Driving Me Crazy

I present the evidence:
1. they both have the dead mother thing
2. There are two brothers and the younger brother wants to be a dancer
3. They each contain a scene where someone takes milk from the fridge and drinks it from the bottle
4. In Billy Elliot Julie WALTERS plays the dance teacher, while in Bootmen the teacher is called WALTER

Saturday, January 12, 2008

8 Mariahle

A recent discussion with NLJ featured mention of Eminem, who is apparently eating himself to death, one roadhouse steak at a time. Inevitably, we also discussed the Mariah/J-Lo spat, and, eventually, 'Glitter' which is Mariah's answer (or question, since I think it came out first) to Eminem's 8 Mile. So there we have it - 8 Mariahle.

This movie was a box office flop. Apart from Mariah Carey's heavy presence in the film, there are several problems with it. Here are the lowlights:

1. Marimba's are not sexy instruments. Using a marimba in the seduction scene is less believable than that chick from Big Brother who said "I'm actually really intellect".

2. Dialogue, for example: "This is not working. The glitter cannot overpower the artist".

3. The frequent foregrounding of a dreadlocked black man at a sound desk in an attempt to provide ethnic-based credibility to the film.

4. Mariah's eyebrows - more fake than her boobs.

If you saw this film, you will no doubt be aware that those couple of hours are ones you will never get back. If you haven't seen it, well all I will add to the above list is that she wears her hair in side ponytails a lot, mournfully tinkles the piano a couple of times, sits in the back of a few taxis, and sings a few songs. That's it really. Oh, and in a mildly interesting twist on the whole musicals thing, her mother is a drug addict rather than dead, so their reunion at the film's end replaces the normally obligatory couple reunion, and the love interest dies instead.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Upside Down, Miss Jane!

Did anyone else see these pics of celebrities having had their features inverted with Photoshop? My favourite one actually just looks like Jessica Simpson on a normal day.

Kevin Cusack

I really love John Cusack, and I also really love Kevin Spacey. Naturally, I thought Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil was a great film, since they were both in it. Anyway, well I don't really know what else to say, except click this.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Pigs, Songbirds, and Suchwhat

While reading the ninemsn news, I was arrested by this particular title:

"Mariah Carey would perform with pig over J-Lo"

... ok, so J-Lo would be lying on the ground while Mariah and the pig squeal in unison? I am assuming that they wouldn't actually sit right on her and squash her, that would be ridiculous. I guess Mariah could sit in a chair with the pig on her lap, and J-Lo could lie between the legs of the chair. That doesn't sound too bad. I read on, and was disappointed.

"Pop diva Mariah Carey has blasted rumours about a possible duet with Jennifer Lopez, saying she would rather perform with a pig"

Ohhhh, now I get it.

But the animal referneces didn't go away:

"This isn't the first time the songbirds have locked horns." Do songbirds have horns?

Never mind, at least Mariah has a real way with words:

"Carey recently denied rumours about her diva-like behaviour, stating she had never done a "diva-ish" thing in her life: "The definition of a diva is a woman who sings well, the second definition is a woman who's difficult to deal with," she said ". hmmm...

Trends For Summer 07/08 #4

Brazil is the new Italy

Mexico is the new Brazil

Ginger Ale is the new Lemon, Lime and Bitters

Britney Spears is the new Michael Jackson

Buttons are the new Bling

Spell Check is the new George W Bush (irritating, evil and totally misses the point)

EDIT... it seems that...

Yuppie is the new feral:

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Things I Didn't Know Until Recently

I can spell "analogous" and "ubiquitous" without the help of a dictionary or spell check.

My procrastination has reached a point where I would prefer to assemble things from IKEA to writing Chapter Three.

The IKEA lamp I bought the other day was cheaper than the light bulbs because it does not include light bulbs, not because it is some kind of scam to get you to buy more lamps when all you really want is replacement bulbs. So if you bought a new lamp because you thought it was a cheaper way of obtaining new light bulbs, you can consider yourself having wasted $6.95.

"Huckabee" is a real name.

The movie Elizabethttown is a piece of shit.

Aunty BAS is an expert on the relationships and rankings of the royal family of Oman ("it's just like the English aristocracy").

Friday, January 4, 2008

Margaret's Feet Were Playing Up

In my opinion, the greatest sin a person can commit is to be boring, and the second greatest is to be stupid. Which brings me neatly to the discussion of a certain relative who shall henceforth be know as Aunty BAS (Boring And Stupid). Aunty BAS lives in a town a couple of hours away from where I live, so I have been able to keep contact in recent years to a minimum but unfortunately, on my last day in Sadelaide, our schedules tragically aligned. Every cloud has a silver lining, and lucky for some of you, the silver lining this time is in the form of this post. Huzzah!

The thing about Aunty BAS is that she has the ability to talk at people. She does not have the ability to listen, except to her own voice (Indeed, she is so good at this, that she is even able to listen to her own voice when someone else is trying to talk). The down side for any poor soul who happens to be within shouting distance of Aunty BAS is having to suffer through some of the most boring lectures of all time, but the upside (silver linings seem to be a bit of a theme today) is that since Aunty BAS has not been blessed with the ability to ask questions, if you are ale to block out the drone, you don't really have to listen because no participation in the "conversation" is required.*

I will spare the blogosphere from detailing all of Aunty BAS's drivel, but would like to share one special story. Aunty BAS has an astounding memory, most often used to recount dull-as-dishwater details that nobody else bothered to notice the first time around. A case in point from yesterday's lecture was a reminiscence of her trip to Europe in 2003 or 4, as a Responsible Adult (ha) accompanying a troupe of Marching Girls (double ha). She went to Switzerland for a day. Daughter #3 tried to help in the list of people who also Went To Switzerland For A Day, but tripped up when suggesting that Margaret (whoever she might be) might have Gone To Switzerland For A Day.

Daughter #3: ...and Margaret -
Aunty BAS: No, no. Not Margaret.
Daughter#3: I was sure Margaret went too.
Aunty BAS: No. Margaret did not Go To Switzerland For A Day.
Daughter #3: Yes she did.
Aunty BAS: No, she didn't. Margaret did not go to Switzerland that day.
Daughter #3: Yes she did.
Aunty BAS: No, she didn't. Margaret did not go to Switzerland that day because her feet were playing up! Margaret's feet were playing up that day, so she couldn't have Gone To Switzerland. She stayed behind because she had to keep off her feet.

Next week - Catching a taxi to the Vatican because Margaret's legs were playing up, with special mention of how Margaret could not have managed to stand in that line because of her legs. They were playing up.

*Methinks I should introduce Aunty BAS to cardboard Steve Waugh. They'd get along well.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The Christmas Letter

Dear ---insert name of distant friend/relative here ---

What a year it has been! It seems like only a few weeks ago that I was writing my last bulk Christmas brag letter to you all, and here I am doing it again. Here are some highlights from a year in the life of me, that I am sure you will all enjoy reading during the non-ratings TV season:

In June, I went to Mexico for a conference where I helped a colleague to learn several helpful Spanish phrases including "Is my Spanish that bad?", "Is there a canoe in the town?" and "How much is your daughter?"

In November, I met a compulsive lier! Luckily, she was the "give-give-give so you will love me" sort, and I came out of it with a blender, a dozen bottles of wine and champagne, lots of chocolate and four cans of Kilkenny stout.

Puttanesca has become my favourite pasta sauce.

Felix and I have had a rocky few months together but we took a trip to New Zealand a few weeks ago which turned out to be a good chance to have fantastic Japanese food, make up silly nicknames for hotel rooms ("the swamp"), and learn interesting things about popular music that we have forgotten already.

My near life-size cardboard cutout of Steve Waugh has spent most of the year folded in half and lying under the couch. This is a little sad for me, because Steve is a legend, and good company when nobody else is around to talk to. He's a very good listener. One of my flatmates is not really a fan of dear Steve, which was the main reason for leaving him folded away, but now (otherwise quite sadly) said flatmate is moving out so I look forward to bringing Steve back out into the open air for a few months.

As you all know, I don't have any children. No doubt, if I did, they would all be brilliant so this is the part of the letter where I would detail their achievements of the previous 12 months. Degrees would have been completed (with a dean's prize or something), headhunting would have happened, there might have been some cosmonautical travel and something else fabulous yet slightly quirky, like a starring role in a Bollywood movie, or second place in the New York marathon.

Season's greetings, and I wish you all well in your lives of "quiet desperation". Having read this letter, you are presumably aware that your lives are nothing more than barely whelming in comaprison to mine. Never mind, you have next year's letter from me to look forward to.
Tootles! xx